I Prefer Real Life
by crazypony37
Summary: It's Friday night, and the Bad Touch Trio can't decide what to do. Gilbert want's to play video gams, Francis want's to party, and Antonio's stuck in the middle. Rated T for language


I made another Oneshot, just because I could.

**Translations: **

Ja! (German)- Yeah!

Impresionante (Spanish) - Impressive

Dummkopf (German) - idiot

Je ne sais pas (French) - I don't know

Niñas (Spanish) - girls

verrückte Franzose (German) - crazy Frenchman

sie wichser (German) - you dick / you wanker

cher (French) - dear

* * *

><p><strong>I Prefer Real Life<strong>

Francis was not pleased.

In the basement of the Beilschmidt household where Gilbert had chosen to make his residence so many years ago (although it was more like his brother had locked him down there to minimize injury,) sat Francis and his two most cherished friends. On any other Friday night he, Antonio, and Gilbert would spend the evening in some club enjoying the people, the booze, and generally stoking the flames of the party. Eventually they would stumble out of the place, thoroughly drunk, and wreak havoc on the unfortunate town they chose to party in, until someone came to pick them up be that their friends or the police.

So why on this particular Friday night did Francis find himself flipping through Gilbert's dirty magazines with an apparent disinterest? Well partly because Gilbert's "dirty" magazines were extremely tame (He had always had an easy trigger in Francis' opinion,) but mostly because the other two thirds of his mischief trio were currently sitting in front of Gilbert's TV. Antonio and his pale friend had been lounging across two over sized beanbag chairs for the last three hours, playing some ridiculous video game. Thus the root of the Frenchman's displeasure.

Never in his life had he ever been interested in video games of any sort. From the day they were first invented, Francis had never felt any intense interest in them. Sure for a half hour or so they were slightly amusing and served as a good way to waste time, but after that they became monotonous and boring. Therefore, when his two best friends had rejected his plans to spend a night on the town for a nonstop marathon of some new game that came out, he was naturally irked.

Finally flipping to the end page of the magazine he had already read three times over, Francis looked up in hopes that maybe his two friends had grown tired of their game. Unfortunately, they had just finished a level and were amazed at the high score they got…or whatever. When it came to shooting zombies Francis really had no clue what was considered "winning." Surviving?

"Fuuuuuuck yeah Toni! Look at that! Did you see how many of those bitches I just shot!

"Yeah! There was like blood everywhere! It was cool!"

Rolling his eyes, Francis threw a waded up sock he found on the floor (which on second thought probably shouldn't have been touched considering it was Gilbert's) at the back of the albino's head.

"Are you two seriously planning on spending the entire night sitting here playing silly games?"

"Hell yeah! You don't know what I had to do to get this game before it was officially released."

Francis took the Prussian's bait, ignoring the suspicion that he might be sorry.

"What exactly did you do?"

The Frenchman's qualms were confirmed once a frightening grin spread across the man's face, accompanied by a roguish glint in his eyes.

"I spent all of last week haunting Alfred's house. Mostly I hid in his closets wearing masks, or lurked in the shadows after dark. Eventually he got so terrified and asked what he needed to do to get me to go away, so I thought of this."

"You_ thought_ of the game. What, did you originally start tormenting the poor boy just for fun?"

"_Ja!_ One of my best ideas."

"Well it did get this _impresionante_ game!"

Erupting into a chorus of laughter, the two lazy slugs on beanbag chairs high-fived each other, leaving Francis no choice but to roll his eyes yet again.

"So you two desire nothing but to waste your time shooting zombies all night?"

"No _dummkopf_, I want to hit them with baseball bats!"

Finishing yet another killing spree, Gilbert turned away from the TV for the first time in hours and looked back at Francis.

"Why are you so pissy all of the sudden? Toni's happy with playing games."

"Well I am not satisfied with wasting my time playing with pretend dead people! There are so many things that are better than that!"

"Like what!"

Gilbert shot the Frenchman a snide look, as if to challenge him to find anything better than this new game.

"_Je ne sais pas_, maybe people, women, more specifically vaginas!"

"Pffft what? No."

Biting his lip, Antonio looked back and forth between the quarreling men.

"I don't know Gilbert, _ni__ñas_ are pretty nice. They're always so… bouncy."

Both men paused for a small amount of time to stare at their creepy friend before resuming their argument.

"Not only would a woman not let me play with her anytime I wanted, but she wouldn't let me use her nearly as long or as hard as my video games!"

"Shove your penis in the disk drive of that machine and tell me how good it feels!"

"That's disgusting Francis!"

"Oh and what, you're the patron saint of clean language!"

"Fuck yeah I am!"

Resisting the urge to slap the albino in the face, Francis stood up from his seat on the couch.

"Clearly there is only one way to solve this argument."

"How so _verrückte Franzosen?_"

Straightening himself up to his full height, Francis adjusted his jacket all the while condescendingly looking down upon Gilbert.

"I will take my camera and go do what I want. We'll see in the morning who had the better time."

With that, the Frenchman stormed up the stairs and into the main floor of the house. Turning back to his game, Gilbert waved off the temperamental blonde.

"Ahh good riddance _sie wichser!_ I swear Toni, he can be as bad as Arthur sometimes."

Nodding their heads in agreement, the two men returned to their came without a second thought.

"UNLEASH HELL!"

* * *

><p>It was three o'clock in the morning when Francis returned to Gilbert's house. It had taken some work to get past Ludwig's dogs, but thankfully years of practice had made light of certain ways to get around them. A few pieces of wurst was all it took to distract the three dogs, the real hard part about breaking in was not waking up Ludwig.<p>

Quietly sneaking through the front room, to the kitchen, then down to the basement, Francis made his way back to the "Awesome Cave" to find what awaited him.

What he found was Toni sound asleep on his beanbag, and Gilbert staring at the TV in a manner much like the zombies he had been hunting all night. An immense pile of food wrappers surrounded both men. It appeared as if they had single handedly eliminated the entire Dorito® race. Reaching the bottom of the stairs Francis wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry at when he found to be pathetic.

"So how was your night _cher?_"

Jumping at the sudden presence of a human being, Gilbert nearly threw his controller across the room. Getting over the initial shock, the Prussian turned towards his friend at the stairs.

"I'm sure it was a hell of a lot better than yours."

"And why would you think that?"

"I didn't spend it alone as I'm sure you did."

Smirking, Francis dug through his pockets until he found his digital camera. His smirk ever growing, he lightly tossed it towards the sitting man.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that Gilbert."

Catching the camera with somewhat late night and caffeine-addled reflexes, Gilbert instantly began to flip through the device's memory. What he saw was not at all what he had hoped for. Instead of finding several sad pictures of one particular blonde man, all alone drinking pansy wine in some booth, he found several good-looking women sitting in his lap. Sometimes they were straddling him, or dancing half-naked on poles, but regardless of what they were doing they all seemed to be simply overjoyed by Francis. To top it all off, the Frenchman was smirking at the camera in every picture, as if he knew just what Gilbert's feeling would be when he saw them.

In all honesty, he was starting to doubt whether he had spent his night wisely. He hated to be out pimped by anyone, but most of all Francis. In his head he prepared some good sarcastic comebacks. _Even if I did loose, that doesn't mean I'm going to admit that._

"You know Franny, this might seem like-"

Before he could finish his sentence, something made of cloth was flung at his face. Instinctively Gilbert caught it before it dropped to the floor. In his hands laid a small pile of pink lace that most certainly was some woman's thong.

"You're probably going to have to clean some stains on the back seat of your car."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

**The End**

* * *

><p>I got the idea for this when I spent the weekend with my cousins (at their asking) and they did nothing but play video games. Needless to say I went and did things without them. I met some cool people, and almost went to Canada, but I figured my aunt would be pretty pissed if I just went their without asking. Even though it's only 20 minutes away from their house it's still a different country.<p>

Anyways I hoped you enjoyed this!


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